pet monkey

[Cuzin-iT]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the cheeky little beggar. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

[[Team] Gil]

A farmer is out doing his chores one day when a car pulls up with a government logo and a suit gets out. He hands the farmer his card and says "Good morning, I'm with the dept. of agriculture and we're doing a federal survey. I need to have a look around your property."
Farmer replies, "Ok, but I'd stay out of that south field if I were you"
The agent gives him a dirty look and says "Sir, this card enables me as an agent of the federal government unhindered access to all farmland in this country. Anyone that interferes with that right is doing so under the threat of prosecution. Do I make myself clear?"
The farmer tells him to have a nice day and goes back to work. Twenty minutes later, he hears screaming and looks over to see his meanest bull chasing the agent in the south field...and gaining fast. "Help!! Do something!!"

The farmer drops his shovel, runs over to the fence and screams out "Your card!! Show him your card!!"